Back in Action

Well, there seems to be no shortage of bad news out there but I’m going to keep things really light if I can. But…….. if you wanted bad news I’ve got it by the bucketful. For example, Just the other night in a display of athleticism rarely exhibited by me off the golf course I upended a tall glass of water onto my laptop keypad. I can’t recommend doing this. It was just your run of the mill, refrigerator filtered tap water, not mountain spring water from the Swiss Alps or anything but still, the most expensive glass of water I’ve ever had – and I didn’t get to drink it.

The nearest Apple computer service outlet happens to be in Saint Simon’s Island, Georgia. So convenience is no longer an issue. It’s always questionable when you know nothing of what actually takes place inside your computer whether to put your trust in the hands of someone who sells computers or just open your wallet. Could it be fixed for $35 or do we have to go the new computer route? After having the nice young man explain things to me in language (English) that I clearly didn’t understand, he pointed out that my touch pad was at that moment doing the backstroke and the letters Q through T were snorkeling. Then as an added humiliation they always have to ask “So when was the last time you backed up your computer?” Uh………….never. Does anyone really back up their computer? I don’t even have a back-up button on the keyboard or back-up lights.

Having limited computer access kept me quiet for a few days but now I’m back in action and have a new computer – and Susan has new shoes. Upon our arrival at the computer store – in Georgia – Susan discovered that she left the house without shoes. Otherwise she was fully clad. This is worrisome – not the part about her being fully clad. I do this sort of thing routinely but not Susan. As a matter of fact I was proud of myself for remembering to bring my computer. Life is an adventure. In a fashion forward, avant garde display of podal attire, Susan wore my shoes into the store to buy a more appropriate pair for herself while I sat outside shoeless. So they do sell shoes in Georgia! Who knew? Now we always keep an extra pair in the car.

You can miss a lot going for even a few days without the internet; but upon my return I discover that the nation is still in turmoil and perhaps will be for the entirety of our unforeseeable future – as it always has been – except for that short period when I was a young, white, male growing up in small town America in the ’50’s. Even then I would catch myself peeking out from under my school desk during air-raid drills. Those were the good old days when a wooden desk top would keep you safe from nuclear holocaust. Simpler times. If you think about it, we’d already fallen for the whole Santa Claus thing and let’s not even talk about Easter.

Not only did we have turmoil here while my computer was underwater, but it turns out they discovered this sound-proof torture chamber that some Dutch thugs had outfitted in the Netherlands complete with dental chair! Now I picture the Dutch as these cute people with funny hats picking tulips in their wooden shoes, watching windmills and occasionally sticking their finger in a dike. These guys though had really ugly tools of the trade. But why drag the dentists into this? Do you think it’s because of Dentist’s soi-disant fashion sense? The green pants with the little blue whales?

Our major outlet these days is running. Florida is pretty flat but there is an over-pass nearby which is our biggest hill. We call it El Capitan. It’s just an overpass over a golf-cart path – but still – we free climb it. No safety net. No ropes. So we did this last Sunday. 92 degrees, 98% humidity – feels like 106. Really allows for full perspiration. Clear evidence of dual dementia. Later in the day, as our good deed, we gave blood at the “Oneblood” mobile van. They encouraged me to give double red cells because of my blood type (and premium quality blood) with the understanding that I would get my plasma and platelets back. So sure, whatever helps. When I saw the bags of my blood piling up I joked that my blood pressure should be lower. They agreed. Fast forward to the middle of the night when I got up to go the bathroom and soon found myself regaining consciousness, flat on my back on our concrete floor in a cold sweat with a lump on my forehead. I looked it up. This happens. Often to men of a certain age – like I needed more reminders. This was the first time that plush carpeting in the bathroom made sense. Is this why women sit down to pee?

Susan is currently reading a book titled How to do Nothing. It’s hard to believe that she can learn anything new that she hasn’t picked up by living with me for forty years. It’s not that I actually do nothing – just that I don’t do much to make the world a better place other than recycle and, oh yes, never buy water bottled in plastic. I do however, do a lot of things that make me happy – which is no small accomplishment. I am one happy person and also a trend setter. If I can make the world a better place one happy person at a time, that’s got to count for something. So I started with me. Once we’re all happy, problem solved! We just can’t rely on others or the world to make us happy. Sometimes the hard work starts at home – by doing nothing.

Well, I’ve tried hard to be politically correct today because I have in the past been accused of being insensitive. It’s a dangerous time for attempts at humor because everyone’s nerves are a bit frayed and it’s difficult to recognize our own idiosyncrasies which are the foundation of much humor. So I will apologize in advance for making fun of myself, Susan, The Dutch, dentists, people who recycle, wooden desk tops, El Capitan, OneBlood, the state of Georgia, Apple, Santa Claus, 0 positive blood types, the Swiss Alps, people who have carpeting on their bathroom floors, women for †he way they pee and the Irish. I haven’t insulted the Irish yet but I’m about to. Since I’m probably mostly Irish I think it’s OK, so here goes:

This Irishman is going to the the grocery store for some potatoes. I assume you’re familiar with the Irish and their relationship with potatoes. Anyway he’s been circling the parking lot for twenty minutes looking for a place to park and finally mutters “Lord, I can’t stand this. If you open up a space for me I’ll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday.” Suddenly the clouds part and a beam of sunshine illuminates an open spot. The Irishman quickly pulls in, looks up and says “Never mind. I found one.”

Hope that made you happy!

Coming soon. A tour of my paintings!

From High on the Grumpstump


  1. tomc


    Glad to hear shoes still required in “ Florgia “. Reminded though how my grandfather used to say that certain members of our extended family weren’t comfortable walking unless there was gravel in their shoes.

    One last thing: having proven your masculinity over these many years it’s alright to “ sit “ at night in a dark bathroom. After all, the lights are off and it’s unlikely you’ll be caught doing so.


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